QOOL

There’s something you said that stuck with me. “Women tricked me.” Twice even. And I have two problems with that.

If there was trickery involved the first time, clearly a lesson was missed because it happened a second time. I do not think they tricked you, instead, it’s the good old male appendage. Not tricking you but doing what it is supposed to do. Sticking with a phallic metaphor: even a misguided missile will explode because that’s its purpose. Provide your missile with guidance.

“Me” in “Women tricked me” puts the blame on women and victimhood on yourself. I think that is the wrong frame. A comfortable one but wrong. And I am telling you because I know. Even if it were true at some point, your frame will not let you move on. Brutal self-honesty is not a comfortable couch but a hard park bench: it’s insightful but you need to move on from it. You and your little friend have to face the consequences of the “trickery”. That is taking accountability. And you need to because from the moment you were born, everything was initiated with that first cry, by you. That is probably the only thing in life that doesn’t change.

And now you have given life, you must take accountability for the fact you did. Work towards the outcomes that help them get on better than you and your parents did. And the best advice I can give you at this moment is to create the circumstances to make that happen, starting with yourself.

You take attention, time and money. And it’s given with love and for the same reasons I just mentioned: we create the circumstances for you to move on, to grow, to become accountable. Don’t frame it as being a burden, but as using resources temporarily. By becoming accountable, looking after yourself, you are contributing! now these resources can be used for something else useful. Congratulations, you just have created circumstances for others to thrive. And did I mention that many people that worry about you will also sleep better? It’s a positive state of flow, not luck, shit will still hit the fan, but you will be more resilient. People around you will start to offer help without you asking for it. But it’s all in the reframing of how you see the world and yourself.

But all of this will not happen unless you make it so. You’re accountable for that. You must hate that word by now, but I hope you see the point I am trying to make. Until that time , your frame will hold you back or drag you down.

And lastly, your attitude, your life force, your strength is unimaginable. The school of Hard Knocks has shown how to build that strength. To graduate from the university of Hard Knocks, you will have to demonstrate wisdom to use that strength appropriately.

Kia tau te rangimārie me te māramatanga. (May peace and enlightenment/understanding settle upon you.)

Quinten

Update (June 2026) with an infinitely small chance of reaching the right audience. I am attempting not to be resentful and I have to draw a line. Without going into specifics, I will not tolerate disrespect to my wife and my marriage and as such, you are not welcome anymore. On our property, in our lives.

I’ve changed the title slightly from “my friend” to “a friend.” I’d like to think that there is an amount of bad choices and consequences to be made by anyone. The points above stay as they are. But I am moving on. I suggest you do the same.